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When Did My Heart Get So Full of Nevermind…

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind, colorblind
When did my heart get so full of…
Nevermind, nevermind
Did you know that you stole the only thing I needed?


I’ve been thinking a lot about things I’ve been missing lately… things I stopped doing when I was with “He Who Shall Not Be Named” because I simply didn’t have the time… between juggling His secrecy with my own modeling career… I stopped doing things I loved… like blogging consistently… and dancing… lord, dancing.  I forgot how much I missed dancing until I started doing it more often.

And you know… most of you I’m sure would frown upon my dancing, because where I compete most often is in Gor.  Just because most don’t understand Gor, I guess they think it’s ok to automatically find it offensive and thus persecute me and look down their nose at me because I ever once participated in the roleplay aspect, and I continue to dance there.

You know how I got involved in Gor?  *Chuckles*  It’s an interesting story… let me tell you.

I got involved in Gor for a man.  (Go figure, right?  HAHA.)

A former friend of mine introduced me to this man she thought would just be PERFECT for me… back in, like, late 2008 or something.  And you know, of all the people she’d ever brought to me, I actually liked this one.  He was super sweet… and He was still learning about His Dominance, which was wonderful, because I was still learning about my submission.  The one thing He was sure of, was that He was in Gor.  I had NO idea… like… seriously… “Gor, what’s that?”  But I was really intrigued by this guy.

So what did I do?  I went researching on my own and found a small safe-zone school to enroll in and be taught the basics of Gor.  This Man (His name was Earan… let’s just use His name and make it easier than always calling Him “this guy” or “this Man”… lol)… anyway, Earan wasn’t too happy about the fact that my collar technically belonged to the school until I graduated, but I think part of Him was endeared by the fact that I wanted to immerse myself in His world and learn about it enough to see if it was something I could do, something I could handle.

And funny story about all that… when I was a little over halfway through my training… after I performed my first dance to pass my dance test, I walked out of the tavern and there was the school’s Admin… standing with Earan.  The school was making an exception and allowing Earan to collar me before I finished my schooling.  I think it was one of the proudest moments of my life.  And I sorta went on to forever associate that moment with my first dance.

I’ve been dancing off and on ever since then.

For 6 years in SL I’ve been dancing, mostly in Gor.  And you know… judge the environment all you want to… however, if they had competitive dance outside of Gor the way they do inside of Gor, then I’d be there.  I hate the negative stigma associated with Gor just because people don’t understand it… but also the fact that people assume (there’s a fun word…) that I’m involved in the worst, seedier parts of Gor, just because I sit on the outskirts and compete occasionally.

Newsflash, y’all… have you ever seen a dance in Gor?  It’s a positively beautiful experience.  I encourage you to go watch one sometime.  It’s not just dressing up in some fancy dress and hoping on some poseballs in a ballroom (though that has it’s place and is incredibly relaxing as well).  Constructing a by-god DANCE in SL is a complex and intricate process.  Just like choreography in RL.


As I take a breath and back down off my soapbox for a few moments… it saddens me just how much of that piece of myself I’ve lost since I’ve begun modeling.

Like… I know a lot of you won’t understand this… but to Earan I was more than just some girl who liked Him and wanted to be with Him.  After He collared me during my schooling… I served Him wine for the first time.  My first time ever serving wine, and His first time drinking it.  He had made a vow that He would not drink any sort of alcohol until it was served to Him from a girl who was His own.  And I was His first… I was the fulfillment of an oath and a vow to Him.  Talk about feeling special in someone’s life.

The longer I stick around in modeling, the more I feel that “specialness” in me fading away.  Which is ironic, because in my MVWMA 104 class, I was asked specifically, as are all students at some point, what it is about ME as a model that makes me unique.  Not just personality wise… but what is it about me physically that will make someone look at a print ad and say, “Oh, that’s Tivi!”  “Yep, that’s definitely Tivi’s crazy ass.”  I determined it was my red hair… as it’s one thing I never change.  Even throughout CoC, when it was eluded to that those of us who did not change our hair color to white for the Thom Browne *inspiration* challenge, like all the models had in the pictures, may have lost points for having ‘color’… my hair was still red.  My hair has always been red, with very VERY few exceptions.  And I think the one time during CoC my hair wasn’t visibly red is when I wore my cancer cap for the Charity Challenge.

But the more your unqiueness is emphasized, it feels like the more you’re pressured to conform to this idea of what someone ELSE thinks is acceptable.  It’s been an incredibly discouraging experience, to say the least.  Though, I had a few view-altering encounters lately.

One of which was at the Lybra video casting (stylings to be posted soon!).  Lord… you have NO idea how much I wanted to run the other way when I got inside this casting.  I blog for Lybra, and He doesn’t seem to hate my posts when I style his creations in my own… unique… way… lol… but when I landed in that casting, there were, like, 6 other models.  One was in white, one was in Green, and the rest were in black… all of them were in pretty simplistic makeup… I was in purple… and wearing some of my favourite makeup from Nuuna.  I wanted to turn tail and run.  LOL.  But from the time Lybra and Natzuka both saw us and didn’t kick any of us out, I felt a little more confident, and did my walk and did ok.

Afterwards, I have gotten to have a couple of good conversations with Natzuka… and she is such a breath of fresh air in all this mess, honestly.  After Colour of Couture is done, I might even be able to enlist herself to help me do an overhaul of my shape and skin.  An experience I’m thoroughly looking forward to.  I never really had a ‘drastic’ change from my ‘pre-modeling’ regular Tivi shape… I narrowed my eyes and proportioned my face… I got taller… my arms got longer… but really, I never went through a drastic, needed change, ever.  And now that I’m itching for one, I’m in the home stretch of CoC, and I need to keep a consistent look until it is done.

But I’m looking forward to spending more time with Natzuka, and picking her brain about the modeling world.  That is, if she doesn’t get sick of me.  😛

Sorry this post was so incredibly random… a lot has been on my mind lately.  I’ll probably reuse this tune again soon as well, btw.  Cause it makes me think so so many other things.


*~* When Did My Heart Get So Full of Nevermind… *~*
 How Fantasy Faire Credits Work: There are 9 sims at Fantasy Faire… I’ve been through them all twice and it’s honestly all a blur.  LOL.  I will get you to the correct sim with the credit, but then you’ll need to find the designer’s booth through your own explorations.  Look around, support the various creators.  It’s for a good cause!  Gooooooo Relay!

Shape: MINE
Skin: Hope Skin (Medium Violet) – Niekra’s Dreams  @ Fantasy Faire  (does NOT include Slink appliers)
Eyes: Opal Eyes (RFL3) – Musa  @ Fantasy Faire
Hair: Darienne (Crystals Edition; Azure) – Wasabi Pills  @ Fantasy Faire
Ears: Sprite Ears – Illusions
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: MVW Autumn Set – Nailed It
Dress&Wings (includes flower sleeves): Wisteria Dream – BlueMoon Enterprise  @ Fantasy Faire
Face Makeup: Metropolis (Limited Edition) – Madrid Solo
Ear Chains: Mystic Chains (made specifically for Illusions Sprite Ears) – Illusions
Collar: Collar ring.i – moushide

Pose (photo 1): RFL Pose 01 – Musa  @ Fantasy Faire
Pose (photo 2): Fantasy Pose 056 – Musa
Pose (photo 3): RFL Pose 01 (includes purple orb shown) – Musa  @ Fantasy Faire

Location: Misty Mountain Romance
* Don’t worry… I’ll do some on-location shots at Fantasy Faire when the lag dies down a bit from the “Holy crap, it just opened!” crowd.  Lol.

Blogging Tune: “Colorblind” – Amber Riley (Glee)

2 thoughts on “When Did My Heart Get So Full of Nevermind…

  1. I can see how you feel. I want to become a model. I like the challenge of it. I know it’s expensive, but I also think it would be rewarding and fun. But everyone keeps telling me “remove that Gor stuff from your profile. People will get the wrong idea.” I haven’t been dancing as long as you have, but I agree–I think people misunderstand Gor, and I wish that some of them would just pop in sometimes and just watch a dance, just once. For me, cabaret is fun. I love it and I do a set whenever I have the time, but dancing in Gor is different. I feel like whenever I’m having a bad day, or a good one, or whenever I have something on my mind, I can write a dance, and get it all out. Sometimes, expressing myself is hard, but it’s different when I write a dance. It’s like with each one, I show a little glimpse inside myself. I have fun, but at the same time I’m getting that emotion out and actually sharing it with other people, and I just WISH that everyone would realize just how good that really feels. My Owner and I don’t really RP in Gor, either. But He LOVES to see me dance. He tries to be there for every one, because I try to make every one special. I try to show Him and others a different part of me each time I dance. And that feels great. I’m going to fight not to lose that, and I’m glad you are, too!


  2. You know what i have to say baby. And I will tell you the same thing every time. You have to stay true to who you are. and you baby are a slave not just any slave but my slave and soon my wife. I don’t mistreat you nor do you get treated like that what most people opinionated a slaves treatment to be. I treat you with more respect than i do anyone. you may be my slave but you are so much more. Your an amazing dancer and i wish you danced more. i enjoy your dances even the first one i ever saw where you referred to me as Brash and Loud. i chuckled. modeling is an amazing skill you possess and god knows if it wasn’t for you i wouldn’t be able to find half the things i have. Both make up your world. They make you who you are. I’m proud of you.


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