I think a lot about killing myself
Not like a point on a map
But rather like a glowing exit sign
at a show
that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave
*** WARNING: This blog contains personal information that may serve as a trigger for people who have some of the same issues that I do. If you are easily triggered, then you may not want to read this post. You have been warned. ***
You know… I don’t ask for a lot in my SL. People that I work with and work for can likely attest to this, because when every single one of them has asked me what I expect to be paid for whatever job I’m doing, I usually say some related form of, “Honestly, whatever you feel is appropriate. I don’t work for free, but I also don’t feel it’s my place to tell you ‘I want to help you, but here’s how much you have to pay me if you want my help.'” 99.999% of the time I am perfectly happy, if not completely shocked, at the amount that they view as fair. Shocked in a good way, mind you… not a bad way.
That said, I don’t ask for a lot in my SL. But one thing I do ask… is that if you’re going to call yourself my family… and ask me to support you when you’re going through a hard time or when you’re doing something that’s important to you… is that you offer me the same in return. I am perfectly happy to be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to you when you’re upset, and a giant lap for you to snuggle down into when you just need to sit there and cry because life sucks and you’re sick of it. I’m happy to be all of those things for any of my friends and family that need it. Where I draw the line, however, is with those who take and take and take and take and yet refuse to give.
Some of you know that Opium Evolution just got finished with its production of Gatsby. There were 3 shows, 1 of which I could not participate in because of a prior commitment (and a shout-out/HUGE thank you to Ana for allowing me to continue with the show, even with that prior commitment… it was an honor to participate). I invited my ‘family’ to my first show, and I was super excited because their instant response, without missing a beat, was “Totally, I’m there. I got you.” But then, when they didn’t attend, and I happened to mention it… I was told in a rather stern tone that made it feel more like a lecture than an apology/explanation… that they had to work in RL or were off doing other things in RL, and that’s why they weren’t there. RL always comes first, I get that… I support that… I live by that. But why tell me if you’ll be there, only to turn around and not be? Especially when these RL things were pre-planned and you knew you wouldn’t be available.
So the night before the last show, I had tp’d away from a family event upset because the whole night, my partner and I had sat in Skype together, without the family, because we thought they weren’t in Dolby (a chat program we use for group chats, because it takes up less resources than Skype does). It turns out they WERE in Dolby… they were just in some private room that we didn’t have access too. Just chatting away like we weren’t even there and didn’t have the forethought of, “Oh, maybe Wylder and Tivi would like to be involved in the conversation. Let’s jump up to one of the public rooms.” It was hurtful. And I allowed myself to knee-jerk react and tp’d out of the event. I spent the rest of the evening styling an outfit, messing around in Photoshop with some new techniques that Wylder taught me, and just being with Him. I had ignored my sister’s IMs, and so she had IMed Wylder, checking in on me every so often and letting Him know that she still loved me, even if I was mad.
Yes, sister, He told me about every time you checked in. I thought it was sweet.
I just wasn’t ready to talk yet. I was still hurt.
Before He went to bed Wylder had suggested inviting my family again to Gatsby’s last showing. We knew for a fact that my sister didn’t have to work in RL this time, because she’d told us a couple nights before that she had 4 days off and was super excited about it. However, she spent most of those 4 days ignoring most of her family with the exception of her partner and her daughters. We made plans to hang out, go shopping… plans that never happened. But Wylder suggested that I invite her and any other family that was around and not busy to the show. After all, we club-hopped almost every night, supporting various DJ’s in the family. Why not ask my family to support me in something I enjoy doing?
When I went to IM her, her IMs were locked. Without explaining in detail, it’s an Open Collar feature that lets someone stop you from receiving or sending IMs. When I tabbed into Facebook to copy paste the message, my newsfeed updated to a post of her saying about an hour previous that she was “taking a day off” from everything and everyone except her partner and her daughters…. which is whom she’d been spending all her time with the rest of the weekend anyway.
I couldn’t help it… I felt let down… again… I felt an extreme lack of support from people who had called themselves my family. People who had repeatedly told me, “I got you,”… and I didn’t really feel “got”, if that makes sense. I started spinning.
For those of you not familiar… I’m going through some stuff. I have been for the last 8 months or so… nightmares involving my father, grandfather, or both… 24 hour periods of time where I am in an almost constant state of fear and panic, unsure of what exactly I’m actually afraid of… seizures more frequently than normal… harsher bi-polar mood swings than normal. Lower lows and higher highs. I’m also a recovering cutter… and so in the middle of all the negative, I still have to find enough positive to keep from resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. So when I say I was spinning… I was emotionally spinning out of control, into a very low low.
I just needed my sister.
And when I attempted to tell my sister that I’d needed her… that’s why I was upset… I get a response of “Last night wasn’t about you, nor is today.” That’s just it… me saying that I needed her… IS about me. She may have inserted herself into someone else’s problem (which she does often… getting herself involved in things that really aren’t her job to fix/get involved in) and allowed that to stress her out… however, me being honest and telling her “I needed you,” is very much about me. But she couldn’t even stop long enough to listen. She just blew me off… was very short and harsh with me… and then stopped talking.
One of our ‘family’ members had threatened to commit suicide the night before, after I had left, I guess. This family member and I were both in need of the same thing. We needed support of our family. But apparently our family is only singularly capable of supporting one person at a time. And so because I asked for support because I was spinning… instead of going to drastic and melodramatic measures… I was left in the dark.
When I’m up I don’t kill myself
Because holy shit there’s so much left to do
When I’m down I don’t kill myself
Because then the sadness would be over
And the sadness is my old paint under the new
The sadness is the housefire or the broken shoulder
I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring
I’d like to be able to rejoice in my strength… to be able to deal with spinning on my own (with Wylder’s help when He was online)… and deal with it without resorting to previous unhealthy coping measures. I’d like to be able to be proud of my strength.
But my strength lost me my family.
You see… that conversation that I mentioned trying to have with my sister? Where I told her that *I* was not the one who’d locked out my family… that *I* was the one who had been locked out… several times. That I was spinning that night and just needed my sister and it felt like she couldn’t care less? That I felt like I was only important when they needed something from me, and any other time they couldn’t be bothered. When I tried to have THAT conversation… and she not only blew me off, told me it wasn’t about me, was rude and short with me, AND quit talking… THAT conversation? Yeah… I was told that I was bringing drama to the family and would not be welcomed back.
While the man who threatens/attempts to kill himself over a woman who doesn’t contact him for 2 days and the man who lies to the family about how many relationships he’s in and with whom are both not considered drama. I ask for help and that’s drama. They act like jerks and they’re perfectly welcome AND worthy of family support.
I don’t get it. But I’m so sick of being hurt.
I guess I just wanted to blog this poem tonight…. because I want it to be ok to be proud that I was strong. To be proud that I don’t think the way I used to anymore and just want to give up and be done with everything. I want it to be ok that the show hasn’t been quite bad enough for me to want to leave just yet. I want it to be ok that I embrace my old paint under the new.
I just want it to be ok. And I guess it’s not ok for my former “family”.
*~* I Saw The Future, And In It, I Was Alive.. *~*
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON *previous FaMESHed release; currently in store*
Hair: Lulu Hair (colored using Hud 2 and manually tinted darker) – CatWa *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink *~* rigged mesh *~*
Feet (not shown): Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier (Hands & Feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Body Suit: Bodysuit No. 6 – RedMint (currently 50% OFF)
Cropped Sweater Top: Lace Top Lifted No.9 (II; manually tinted darker) – RedMint (currently 50% OFF)
Jeans: Belted Bells (Grime) – Auxilary *~* rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercing: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial
Forehead Band: Gayaa Forehead Band – CatWa
Poses: Various from my AO (Seventeen by Oracul)
Location: My Build Platform
* Don’t mind the plywood prims in the background and the builders grid on the floor. Just a bit of a sneak peek of what I’m working on for Menswear Fashion Week at the end of April!
Blogging “Tune”: The Future – Neil Hiilborn