You can tell me a lot of things. That’s part of my submissive nature. I can be ‘told’ things, and more than likely, at least a piece of me will want to obey. I’m a helper… I’m a do’er. It’s just what I do. So especially if someone needs help… likely, I can be told someone and, again, at least a piece of me will WANT to obey. Whether I obey or not… well… that depends on the day, really. And whether or not you hold my leash.
The thing about being bipolar, is when you’re told things, you’re not likely to hear them. I think the worst part about bipolar is that we look FINE on the outside. It’s not a disease that shows any physical signs. Sure… when we haven’t slept for a few days, there are the bags and the general “You look like hell” look that we get because we’re exhausted… but honestly, there aren’t a lot of tell-tale physical signs to a bipolar’s illness. So you can’t really look at us and say, “Oh, she’s bipolar.”
But just because there’s not a lot of physical indication does not make it any less of an illness. Sometimes, people forget that.
I take back what I said earlier. I think THAT is the worst part. People forget you’re “sick”. People forget there’s something fucked up in your head. People forget that a lot of times, you’re not meaning what you say. People forget that nine times out of 10, if you’re manic, you won’t remember a lot of what you do and say. People forget that you are in pain… mental pain… all the time. People forget how shitty you feel, because you have varying degrees of control over your various emotions at any given time. It’s a “life is like a box of chocolates” sort of scenario in the worst possible way.
But because they can’t SEE it on your face or in your body… people often forget.
You can tell me a lot of things. But unfortunately for you and for me… you can’t tell me how to feel. The thing about my feelings is that they’re mine… and no one knows them better than me. I honestly wish that I could ‘obey’ if commanded to feel a certain way. It would make life a bit easier. Feel upset about something, “Hey, why are you upset? Be happy.” Boom… happiness. Feel angry about something, “Hey, calm down.” Boom… calm. I REALLY wish I had this sort of “on-off switch” control of my emotions… but unfortunately I don’t. And whether that is a side effect of my bipolar or simply because I’m a human being and not a robot, I’ll never actually know. But the fact remains that I can’t control my emotions to that hairpin curve. I’m sorry.
I might not be able to control my emotions, however, I’m quite in tune with them.
So You can’t really tell me that I don’t care… when I care so much it hurts. And I feel that hurt. All the time. You can’t tell me that I never trusted You… when I trusted You so much that it destroyed me when You went back on Your word. You can’t tell me that I didn’t support You when all I tried to do was encourage You in those things You loved… even attempting to open up opportunities for You, and encouraging You to try even if You felt like You couldn’t do it. (Remember the jewelers list?) You can’t tell me I left… when I’m still here. Right here. I always have been here. I may have physically left the sim to avoid contact with certain others… I may have hung up the call because I couldn’t process the situation… but I have still very much been right here.
You can’t tell me I’m not a slave when my heart is still very much Owned by You.
And what’s worse… You can’t tell me I didn’t love You when I sit here in constant crippling pain from loving a Man who doesn’t appear to love me in return.
I might’ve fucked up. I DID fuck up. I got scared of being hurt again… I got afraid of that fresh wound re-opening… and I fled the sim… went to a safe place… I hung up the call because I couldn’t process what was going on. I couldn’t bear the thought of everything spiraling downward to the same place it always goes… where trust is broken and everything goes to hell. I couldn’t wrap my mind around going to that horrible place in our relationship with You. I never thought You’d take me there. And I hung up to try and stop it. I couldn’t process. I needed to think. I needed to breathe.
I fucked up. But I never left. I am still very much right here.
This is about as much of a public apology as You’re going to get. And granted, maybe it didn’t need to be in public, maybe it shouldn’t have been in public… but it is. You’ve said things in public, I’ve said things in public… but it takes far more courage to sit here, crying for the 9834749879435th time in 2 days, and try to be vulnerable and honest with You than it does to spout the stupid shit back and forth that we’ve been spouting.
Daddy, I love You. And I’m sorry.
I scream into the night for You
Don’t make it true
The lights will not guide You through
They’re deceiving You
Don’t let memories go of me and You
The world is down there out of view
Please don’t jump, don’t jump
And if all that can’t hold You back
Then I’ll jump for You…
(I breathe Your name in silence… I don’t wanna hear it right now…)
*~* The Lights Will Not Guide You Through, They’re Deceiving You… *~*
((Will insert credits tomorrow sometime… just wanted to get this written out.))