(I can honestly look back with no regrets…)
Oh hey, I’m back. More on that in my next post, promise.
Yesterday was a very important day for me, I will openly admit. And when I say important…. you know when you’re trying to lose weight and you’re, like, 5 pounds from your goal weight… and in the beginning it was REALLY easy to lose “just” 5 pounds… but those last 5 just seem to not want to come off… at all. So you work damn hard every week, and the day you step on the scale is like showing up at the Oscar’s to see if you’ve won? Lol. Yeah. That was my day yesterday.
I might not be as “seasoned” of a model as some of you… and I know that makes some of you angry. I would apologize for that, but what would I be apologizing for? Learning quickly? Styling well (for the most part)? But anyway, I’m not as seasoned a model as some. I’ve only really officially been going at this since November or December of 2012… so not even a year yet. But what was the one thing that I had been hearing about since even before I really started modeling?
Miss Virtual World.
See, I started dancing with a dance troupe that performs at Miss Virtual. So when I joined them, it was talked about a lot. I had to be the noob to ask, “What’s Miss Virtual?” and from there is where I did my own research. I watched the videos of the finals… I looked around at the girls that had been in it in the past. It was like a modern day beauty pageant. (P.S. I really wished there was a talent portion! I remember thinking that from day one.) And so I had a goal for modeling.
Now… before you draw conclusions. My goal was NOT to win Miss Virtual World… it wasn’t “to become the next Miss Virtual World” or anything of that nature. I just wanted the opportunity to compete. That was my goal. To make it as a candidate for Miss Virtual World. I even had two countries in mind. And they weren’t based on, “Ooo I’ve seen girls from this country win,” or “Ooo, there are famous people from this country!” One is my home country, USA, and I was thinking about it because of Michela Benazzi, former Miss Metaverse. I would like to think of her and I as close. And even if we’re not close as friends, per se, she has never once hesitated to help me when I needed it. THAT is what I think being a model is about… helping others. I know plenty of models that would be like, “No, you’re going for the same casting I am. I’m not helping you. That’s ‘helping the competition.’ You’re on your own.” Michela’s willingness to help made me want to represent the same country that she did when she was in MVW.
But I knew that USA was a popular country and was probably already taken… so I did have a second one in mind, even if I figured it was already taken as well. I’m not sure how many of you know Sessie, but I didn’t know a lick about her until competing in Miss Metaverse. The more I saw of her, the more honor and integrity I saw in her, the more I looked to her as THIS, THIS kind of person, should be the face of what a model in Second Life is. There are plenty of people in SL, not necessarily models, but people in general, that get to where they are through friendships and through other underhanded ways. But Sessie? I’ve watched Sessie work her ass off to get any opportunity she’s ever been given. And even if something seems to have just “fallen in her lap”, so to speak, she’s worked damn hard as a model to even be noticed for an opportunity like that. She is the kind of model that I want to be. Period. Even when I have nothing else to my name, and my name means nothing, I will still have my honor and my integrity. That is important to me. Sessie’s example is important to me. And so I had been thinking about choosing Ireland, and trying to carry that honor and integrity through the country she represented when she had her time with MVW.
Anyway, so I’d started submitting a photo back in May, when we were first allowed. And looking back on that May photo now… god, it was hideous! Lol. I was on such an Avant Garde kick back then… and while Avant Garde is nice, it has it’s place, and it’s still one of my favourite stylings… it’s not exactly “modern, beautiful, chic supermodel” material. So I fully understood not getting chosen in May. Then it was June. The wonderful Fuzz Lennie had done a picture for me, and she knew I was entering it in MVW, so she tried to cater to the style of photo they normally appreciated. I was still blonde at this point… as I had been told at one point that the dark skin I used to wear would never get me anywhere… and then I had been told my red hair would never get me anywhere… and it was so early in my modeling career that I was dumb enough to believe them and change. So I was still pale and blonde at this point. When the photo wasn’t chosen, admittedly, I was shocked. Yes, there were MANY entries and not all of them could be chosen to walk, I understood. Fuzz was a bit surprised too, as were a few others who’d seen the website of entries that showed my photo along with everyone else’s. I almost gave up after June. But Steele kicked me in the ass and told me not to. So I didn’t.
July was another picture that I’d done myself, and frankly it was because I’d lost track of time and had not had time to ask Fuzz or anyone else for another one. I had finally resolved, “Fuck it,” and gone back to my red hair. A redhead is who I am. And I was determined to be that way in MVW if I made it. However, the picture didn’t turn out quite how I wanted it to. And I admit it just looked… awkward… when up there. Reducing it to 1024 x 1024 squished my face in a weird way… but then again, I saw some “not so savory faces” amongst models on an everyday basis anyway… so I was hoping the uniqueness of the styling might pull me through. No such luck. August’s photo was my last chance, and I went to Madrid Solo. The poor thing… about a half hour before our appointment, I’d gotten a very bad phone call in RL that I didn’t tell her about, because I didn’t want her to reschedule the appointment for later in the month and then find her rushing to get it done. However, my inability to effectively communicate because of that phone call started to come out, and I broke down and told her. I apologized. I just hadn’t wanted pity. She understood what it was I wanted for the photo, took it, sent it to me when she was done editing and it was STUNNING. It was probably one of my favourite pictures that has ever been done of me. I loved it. And it even got me an audition.
(No, this isn’t the headshot she did… it’s the headshot of my gown for auditions. :-D)
Here’s the suck-ish part of only getting to walk in the September auditions. It’s your first and last shot. And because it’s the last shot, everyone and their brother who’s ever been chosen to walk wants to come and try one last time. For 14 of us, it was our first opportunity. 2 of those 14 made candidacy, and I congratulate them. They brought it in whatever way the judges were looking for. And it’s not like it was any huge failure to not make it through… there were 40 some-odd of us walking for 7 spots… many weren’t going to make it through. When I wasn’t one of the 7, did I cry? I will admit, yes, I had a good cry. Just like that person on the scale… who’s been working so hard to lose those last 5 pounds, and she steps on the scale only to find out, yet again, that she hadn’t worked hard enough, or she hadn’t worked the right way, to achieve her end goal. I felt like a joke for even having the hope that I might’ve been chosen out of all those models. Who was I kidding, right?
But then, I went to a meeting on another sim with a completely different group of people… a group of people that has always loved and embraced me like family, even in those times when I have let them down or in those times that I’ve felt like a failure… they’ve always been there to just smile and me and make some corny joke to make me laugh. Or, in the case of yesterday, have a grand old chuckle at my expense after the meeting because I have no voice as of late. It was just an all around good time. And I was forced to remember the things about myself that I’d taken off my profile… yet again… in hopes that it was those small things about my PERSONAL relationship that I CHOOSE to lead that may have kept me out of an audition and out of candidacy… I was forced to remember that once more I was hiding a piece of myself in this community… and yet, here I was, surrounded by a different community of people that has always loved and accepted all of me, flaws and all.
It definitely made me feel better. Did it make me consider giving up modeling as heavily as it did the last time I was faced with this realization? No. Whether some of you like it or not, I’m going to keep modeling. I’m going to keep trying. And I’m going to keep working as hard as I’m working… and maybe someday, someday… that effort will be seen and appreciated for what it’s worth. A few people have seen it and have seen me… people like Sessie and Michela… Lexie… Steele. These people that kick my ass on a regular basis and push me to do better and not give up just because I feel like I’ll never have a fair shot because I’m so new or because I’m not well-known… those people are what give me hope that some day more people will see something in me that they like.
That will be a good day.
*~* You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar… *~*
Shape: MINE! Muahaha!
Skin: Asia Skin Ginger Edition (Pale) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers Eyes (Jade) – [theSkinnery] (MESH)
Hair: Lika Updo (Dark Pink) – Miamai Marketplace
Eyeliner: Liner 3 // Thin – DAMNED Bodyshop
Eyeshadow: Holly Eyeshadow Gold – Izzie’s (from Holly skin in Fair)
Eyelashes: Flirty Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Blush Pink Light – DAMNED Bodyshop
Gown (Body & Gloves): Falbala Gown in Sapphire – PurpleMoon Creations
Gown (Skirt): Kiana Bridal Gown (Recolored Blue) – Gizza
Shoes: Grace Sandal (Gold) – [Gos] Boutique (MESH)
Necklace: Lotus Necklace/Chain (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Headpiece: Lotus Head Corsage (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Poses: Morphine & IsoMotion