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Love’s Like A Hurricane, I Am A Tree…

(Featuring one of the newest Tattoo designers to grace the grid with her talent… The INKWELL!)

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

INKWELL Chanel 1 FINAL(Introducing the pixels of my new blogging alt, pageantconfessionsBLOG Resident!)

I’m not sure when tattoos became something associated with being “emo”.

And apparently being an “emo” is stereotyped as a negative thing.  This is why labels are so complicated.  I happen to think that tattoos are beautiful expressions of an individual’s view on what constitutes ‘beauty’ and ‘art’.  Both of those terms are subjective.  So tattooing, to me, has always been a method of self-expression, if that is the method you choose. Personally, in RL I chose that method three times.

But if you look at the ‘labels’ of things, then you can’t get a tattoo because you’ll be labeled as ’emo’… and you don’t want to be labeled as ’emo’ because that just means that you’re a sniveling drama queen who dies her hair black and wears way too much eye makeup to balance out the lack of makeup on the rest of her face… or you’re a gender-challenged male who wears pants that have to be anatomically impossible to wear that tight and also wears way too much eye makeup, as compared to the ZERO eye makeup that ‘normal’ men wear.  Oh, and let’s not forget to mention that being labeled as ’emo’ also automatically means that you cut yourself while listening to depressing songs and crying yourself to sleep every night… because, you know, ’emo kids’ aren’t allowed to have social lives.  And because you obviously cut yourself, you are clearly a suicidal (or eventually homicidal) psycho and everyone should avoid you… because heaven forbid if you breathe in their direction they might ‘catch’ the ’emo’ disease.

For real?

I understand that some people are more in touch with their emotions than other people… but, to me, that is perfectly healthy.  (The being in touch with your emotions part, not the cutting yourself part from earlier.  Those types really do need to seek professional help.)  I think I would rather understand myself and my emotions than to walk around as an unfeeling automaton for the rest of my life, you know?

Then again, others may be happier the opposite.

INKWELL Chanel 2 FINAL(Her skin is darker than mine.  That’s why I used her instead of Tivi.)

Now, I will be the first one to admit that I am a sensitive person… some would even call me overly-sensitive.  Hell, there are certain situations in which I would call MYSELF overly-sensitive.  I am very defensive of my friends… so if you even so much as fart in their general direction, I’m likely to drop a nuclear bomb on you.  I am also very defensive of my work.  Constructive criticism is fine, it’s wonderful, it helps us all grow.  However, I rarely take kindly to someone telling me how everything I did/am doing is wrong, and this is wrong and that is wrong and that is horrible and this needs to go… but not telling me WHY.  I can only learn if I know the why… and if I’m not given a why then I am lead to believe that it doesn’t exist, and therefore will defend myself.

The other part of this is that I am finding I set unrealistic expectations on other people, at times.  Ironically enough, the whole dance community drama with accusations of stolen dances and things has made me think about this particular point a lot.  One person who claimed my friend stole someone else’s dance brought up that they used two different versions of the same song… and that’s what made it stolen.  I arbitrarily argued, not really thinking much of it at the time, “Well I used that particular song over a year ago… Valentine’s Day of 2012… so does that mean that they both stole my dance?”  The more I thought about it, the more I thought about that song, and that dance.

The song was Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years.”

The dance was one I’d written for two friends of mine, MasterDarkEros Resident and Bryannah Resident.  I remember I had it pegged from the very beginning that she would submit to Him.  And everyone always asked them “What’s going on with you two?”  For a long time, both of them were very adamant and consistent, “He is just my Mentor,” “I am just mentoring her.”  But I knew better.  Well, not that I believed more was going on at that time PHYSICALLY, but emotionally… I just knew she would submit to Him.

While we were all members of a club that has since dissolved into pixel dust, Bryannah and I were Elite dancers being managed by my now dance teacher, Rya.  Bry knew that Rya had been going over Gorean dance with me, refreshing me on it, and that I was competing again.  Bry got curious and started asking Rya… and she found dance to be a way to express everything that she didn’t feel she could say.  She later submitted to Sir Dark with a dance.  His acceptance was post-poned, but He accepted in due time…. when He determined that the time was right for them to make that step.  I could not have possibly been happier for two people if I’d tried.

At that point, they pretty much became my ‘ideal’ relationship.  There was this firm way that He Mastered her, and there was a very definite submission between them, even if she was a brat.  (Just like how Alisha is with Sir Mik.)  They were so strong, but they didn’t get caught up in themselves and in each other… they still were active in the community, they still had friends… it was literally perfect, in my eyes.  Now, granted, I wasn’t behind closed doors, so I don’t know every aspect of that relationship… but on the outside, it appeared perfect and blissful… it seemed as though my two friends had found “The One” in each other.

INKWELL Bio 1 FINAL(I’m REALLY tempted to wear this with a backless couture gown… can you just imagine?)

So, given that she submitted to Him in dance, and dance is something that I love and how I express myself on a deeper level… what else could I have done for their first Valentine’s Day together but dance for them.  I choreographed a dance for them to that song… “A Thousand Years”… thinking that it spoke so truly to who they were.  I recounted their story from an outsider’s point of view… how they grew with each other and deeper in their relationship, subtly and yet like such a whirlwind that they were both caught up in… and I tried to capture how truly beautiful a relationship that I believed they had.

“I’ve loved you for a thousand years… I’ll love you for a thousand more.”

… Or not.

Their relationship ended this past December.  And can I tell you that I felt like a complete idiot for actually being as upset as I was about it?  Like… I wasn’t INVOLVED in their relationship (romantically)… it wasn’t my trust that was betrayed or my heart that was broken or my whatever it was that happened between them.  It wasn’t about me at all.  And yet, overly-sensitive me who had looked up to them as the ‘ideal’ relationship and was now watching it fall about around me, was still devastated by the crumbling of this… solid rock.  They were what gave me hope that I would find my “One”.  He helped her through things and stood by her during some of the roughest times I’d personally seen her go through… and it really was an awe-inspiring relationship to watch.

And yet my rock… my ‘ideal’ had just been destroyed in front of me.

And for whatever reason… even though, again, I was not romantically involved in the situation and should not have been as upset as I was… I felt like they’d failed me.  They’d failed each other, and in doing so, they’d failed me and anyone else who happened to look up to them as I did.  Maybe that sounds ridiculous, and if you think I’m ridiculous, then I’m ok with that… but I still, to this day, have not found a relationship that I can look up to like I did to Theirs.  Yes, I’m in my own relationship, and yes, I love Him very much.  But I haven’t found that ‘ideal’ to shoot for anymore… like I had with Sir Dark and Bryannah.

INKWELL Bio 2 FINAL(Yes… this… on Tivi’s pale skin… worn with a backless couture gown.  Talk about Avant Garde flair.  Yes, please.)

And this is what I mean by unrealistic expectations.  It was almost like I expected them to stay together simply because there were people… or, at least, there was me… that looked up to Them.  They were an example, a role model, for relationships, and it ended.  If my ‘ideal’ could end, then what’s to say for my own relationship?  And if my own relationship is going to fail, then what’s the point of beginning it in the first place?  Why set myself up to fail?  It was the mindset I fell into for the longest time, both before and after Sir Dark and Bryannah’s break-up.  To this day, I still don’t know what happened.  As it’s not my place to know and it’s not my place to ask.

To this day, I am also still pretty shaken up… and it makes me fear the ending of my own relationship.  Every time I find myself feeling like Zak is my perfect match, there’s that really annoying voice in the back of my head that reminds me, “You thought Sir Dark and Bryannah were perfect too.”

Damn, I did.

I don’t think the ‘ideal’ truly exists.  And that fact scares me.  My inability to predict the future to avoid heartbreak scares me.  And the love that I have for Zak REALLY scares me.

But… yeah… so the moral of the story is: It’s not bad to be ’emo’… and don’t set unrealistic expectations for people in your life.  They don’t live for you.  They live for themselves.

*~* Love’s Like a Hurricane, I Am A Tree *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Glam Affair (Collabor88)
Hair: Truth Hair
Tattoos: The INKWELL
Belt/Pants: SLX

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